One of the most common difficulties I see in clinical practice is perfectionism – the idea that we need to have absolute control; life needs to be predictable; we need to be efficient; we must be perfect…

Many people experience mental rigidity and this negatively impacts on their capacity to feel joy. They don’t allow much pleasure in their life: LIFE HAS TO HAVE A POINT, RIGHT? They say “No” to sewing. They say “No” to laughter and cheekiness. They say “No” — and like to play it safe.

There is a positive side to perfectionism. Having very high standards means that if you decide to paint your house you’re going to do a super job! Or, if you’re going to make a child’s cake from that uber-decadent book of magical cakes from Women’s Weekly Magazine, then you’re going to give it the best and it’s going to look A-MAZING.

It’s good to be good at things. It’s great to take pleasure in making things nice.

The problem with perfectionism occurs when the point of the task is lost. The child that spends so much time colouring in between the lines that it takes her 5 times longer than her classmates. Colouring in is not an act of joy but a task to get JUST RIGHT and then at the end, the perfectionist will stand back and see flaws. They do not reward themselves for the tasks they have achieved they only hook into what they feel they didn’t get quite right. All that effort forever goes unrewarded.

Perfectionism can give people a sense of control. That can be good. You can feel good about your clean house – clean house clean mind, but what happens if you don’t get what you want? Do you feel anxious and irritated? What if the kids keep undermining your glistening floors, greasy fingers on clean windows, yet another poo on the floor!

It is a trap to feel that due to a sense of obligation you are always working even when you’re NOT WORKING.  The weekends are a blur of tasks to get done: the garden, the cleaning. jobs jobs. check lists. more to do…

A personality disorder called Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder takes perfectionism to the extreme. This is a problem of Rules, Orderliness, and Control. This disorder is NOT the same as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (an anxiety disorder) although the attempt to maintain control is common to both.

When I am with clients and I suspect a very high degree of perfectionism, the main clue I look for I gauge by whether the person can stop and listen and communicate. The person who has OCPD speaks as if they are reading from a script. They believe they are right, incalculably so that they find it hard to stop and consider other view points. Communication is not an interaction. They have already decided what value they will give you and their attention reflects this bias. They typically minimise your input. They are so driven it is as if they act as their own overseer. They have a monkey on their back that says GO GO GO.

They do not stop and listen when you speak – they may be quiet, but they are still thinking of rolling out their thoughts. They always-always talk about work. Or their home which they regard as work. Or their family that must achieve and work. They are driven without knowing why. They do not question the meaningfulness of their actions and efforts. Consequently, they can be very dull to other people. Their relationships can suffer…

When you suggest Stopping. Observing. Looking at the meaning, their anxiety shoots to the surface. Ironically, they are not in control at all – they are living out their greatest fear under the pretense of Just KEEP SWIMMING.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy – a highly structured therapy is very helpful for people with OCPD to help them to understand their thoughts and the connection of their mental rigidity to their moods and poor relationships.

One of the exercises I prescribe for someone with extreme mental rigidity comes from Improv Wisdom, by Patricia Madson. The exercise is to practice saying YES to everything offered to you for just one day. This comes with the caveat that people need to maintain their health so do not eat cheesecake if you are offered a slice and have diabetes, but do take it home to a loved one instead.

Practice letting go of your mental resistance and need for control, say YES. Perhaps write the word YES with a permanent marker on your hand as a visual reminder. Go for JOY not drudgery.